Monday, 21 April 2014

Stop-Expecting-Too-Much-from-People, Mrs!

At the end of a radio interview when  69 year old , Jewish, Hungarian born Canadian physician  Gabor Mate was asked ‘ is there more love in your life now?’  he paused.

‘I think there is more space in my heart for love,’  he said quietly.

 I think  there is more space in our hearts for love when we pass 60. What we do with that space depends on lots of things.

And sometimes that space shuts down !

This morning I was deeply disappointed with our village doctor, again.
My heart door slammed shut.

There seems to be  a Berlin Wall  wall between us.
I cannot communicate with him without judging him, severely.   He speaks to me like I'm a teenager with many serious learning challenges.
I see in front of me an  arrogant adolescent with mother issues!

 LOL !! I thought I'd stopped judging people !!

I'm angry that so many folk in our village seem to suffer, month after  month, year after year. Yes I know the  difference between healing and curing.  A kind encouraging word can be powerful medicine.

Those who visit the not too far away faith healer do get better.
The whispered stories about her in the village are amazing.

I need the hip operation, so I have to follow the doctors instructions.

Oh that he would be a clone of Gabor Mate!

Comparisons get you nowhere Meg, thought your knew that?

So when I returned from the surgery this morning, heart pounding, but  tongue in cheek I Googled, ‘ What to do when somebody disappoints you.’

Wow,  was I in for a pleasant surprise.

Why was I so churned up about our mocking, cynical, smart- alek,  foreigner disliking,  bearded, 54 year old  doc who looks 74?

Because I had forgotten my ' Highway  Code for Living' -   Don Miguel Ruiz’s  4 Agreements.

Without fail , they always  get me right back on track - within  seconds.

Why did I lose the plot again  with Dr Don't Look Me in the Eye?  What happened?

I reacted instead of acted.
I took the  doctors (extreme) disinterest  in my 'condition' personally. I also made an  assumption he didn't care a  F*%*!

Don Miguel’s 4 Agreements:

Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Be impeccable with your word.
Just do the best you can.

So here’s what  Google told  me this morning:

Never expect someone to know how you're feeling, if you haven't told them. Many times we expect people to understand how we feel just by looking or talking to us. People's emotional landscapes are entirely different, so they should not be held accountable for something they were unaware of.

Shy away from self-help literature. While these books can be helpful for creating goals and positive thoughts, those goals can also be unrealistic. Few people are their "best self" every day, so take into account that everyone you interact with is often cycling through highs and lows and may not be their "best self."

Consult someone who you believe has realistic expectations of people. Perhaps they can explain to you how they form expectations of people. Try using their method in your daily life.

So.  Can I flip this around?  Drop the assumptions, zap the pride ( how dare he treat me like this), see the bigger picture, share with a  wise friend, see the situation as a gift.  What can I learn from this?

Is this not  the same man -  an  aspiring poet  who’d much rather be writing poems about his beloved Espana than be a doctor - who gave me 2 of his books  last year, inscribed and  personally dedicated ?


This morning it’s raining, it’s cold , it's gray and it's misty.  Just what the local farmers were hoping for !

The wet weather reminds me of my previous life in Scotland.  18 years ago my heart  was hidden under  a kind of  blanket addiction to  sadness,  all that childhood stuff,  all  my inherited Jewish/Irish ancestry heartache, bereavements, the list could  go on and on !.

The  soul  can never be a refugee Gabor Mate says. I love this man!  I came to the same  conclusion 14 years ago.

Gratitude for teachers like Don Miguel, Jesus, Buddha, Rumi, Ram Dass,The 12 steps, my south American friends,  in no particular order, inspire and relight the inner bonfire.

Time for a brownie and a coffee!

So here's  some candles  and pics for anybody  feeling disappointed with somebody this morning.

This too will pass.

Aren't we all wonderful ??

miracles happen.. yes  I know this is Photoshop !!!!! Dr  Gabor Mate Ted Talk. The interview I referred to with Gabor. Don Miguel's Ruiz's 4 Agreements.

                                           Thank you Rachel for introducing me to Gabor.